it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
