Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
