Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
...so i touched it.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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