So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
