last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I've blown a few things in my day
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
