Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
