and you said cock pushups were impossible
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
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