it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
