Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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