i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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