All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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