Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize