fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
