I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
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