I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
