Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
