My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
