TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
