True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Randomize
