i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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