: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
