Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
