I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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