If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
