Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
