I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
