apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
