I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
