Pants 0. Shit 1.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
