she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
