He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
