Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
