Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
