Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
