I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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