Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
