Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
This baby is an asshole
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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