my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
