Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
That was before I lit my hair on fire
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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