Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
