Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
