we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
