new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize