I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
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