I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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