Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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