Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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