I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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