honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
