i can't believe i had my finger in that
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
