Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize