Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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