my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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