so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
