I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
