Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
