So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
