Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize