He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
