Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
