i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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